If All Else Fails, Steal the Toilet Paper

A Modern Office Survival Guide

It's that time again – the glorious return to the office after what felt like an eternal hiatus of working in pajamas and mastering the art of muting ourselves during virtual meetings. As we navigate the treacherous waters of office small talk - like who's bout with C19 was worse; mine or yours, coffee machine politics, and meetings that could've been emails, there's one thing we need to remember: when all else fails, steal the toilet paper.

Yes, you heard that right. If the fluorescent lights start to flicker ominously, if your inbox overflows like a dammed-up river, and if Kate from accounting insists on recounting her entire vacation to the Catskills, it's time to take matters into your own hands – literally. But fear not, for this is not just any toilet paper. This is your secret weapon, your lifeline, your last-resort laughter-inducing escape route.

1. The Great Toilet Paper Caper:

Picture this: your boss has just scheduled yet another "emergency" meeting. You're trapped in a room where creativity goes to die, and your desire to escape is growing stronger by the second. As the PowerPoint drones on, casually reach into your bag and produce your trusty roll of toilet paper.

Unravel a reasonable length (we're aiming for subtle, not suspicious), and start rolling it out on the table. Who needs a red carpet entrance when you can have a white, soft, two-ply escape route? Slide down the paper like the true maverick you are and make your getaway. Bonus points for reenacting Mission Impossible theme music in your head.

2. The Unbeatable Icebreaker:

Struggling to strike up conversations with your colleagues after a year of communicating via emojis? Fear not! The toilet paper is your social savior. Simply whip it out during a lull in the conversation and ask, "So, who's excited about the new office supplies, huh?" Watch as the room erupts in laughter, instant camaraderie forming around your quirky sense of humor. Before you know it, you'll be the office's resident comedian – all thanks to your stolen roll.

3. The Meeting Escape Hatch:

We've all been there – trapped in a never-ending meeting that seems to exist solely to drain your will to live. When your attempts to discreetly check the time fail, your toilet paper escape plan is your secret weapon. Unleash the roll, start casually rolling it across the table, and proclaim, "Well, folks, time to wrap this up!" Chances are, your colleagues will be so baffled by your audacity that they won't even question it. And just like that, you've managed to save yourself from impending brain melt.

4. The Perfect Stress Reliever:

Let's face it – office life can be stressful. Deadlines, demanding bosses, and that one co-worker who insists on reheating fish in the microwave. When it all becomes too much, take a deep breath and pull out your toilet paper. Slowly tear off a piece and use it as your own personal stress ball. Feel the tension melt away as you crumple, twist, and contort the paper into new and exciting shapes. Who knew office Zen could be found in the most unexpected places? It makes a great pen holder too!

5. The Office Olympian:

Office Olympics – a tradition as old as, well, office chairs. But this time, you're going to up the ante with a daring twist. Sneak into the supply closet and grab a roll of toilet paper, your makeshift javelin. Now, when the annual "Paper Clip Shot Put" event arrives, show off your unorthodox approach by launching your toilet paper javelin into the competition. Watch in awe as it soars through the air, leaving your colleagues both baffled and entertained. And if anyone asks, just tell them you're bringing a touch of ancient Greek athleticism to the office.

6. The Stealthy Desk Redecorator:

Tired of the same old drab office décor? Time to put your pilfered paper to good use. Grab a colleague's chair while they're on an extended coffee break (they won't mind, trust me), and start wrapping it up like a mummy. Add a few twists and turns for dramatic effect. Don't forget the seat and the arms. When your co-worker returns, watch their face transition from confusion to pure amusement. Bonus points if you can get a whole team involved, resulting in a spontaneous office furniture fashion show.

7. The Toilet Paper Treasure Hunt:

Ah, the dreaded team-building day. This time, you're going to turn the tables and create an experience worth remembering. Secretly hide toilet paper rolls around the office with clues leading to the next location. Watch as your colleagues embark on a toilet paper treasure hunt, ranging from the CEO's office to the break room microwave. Not only will this break the monotony, but it will also prove that sometimes, you just need a little bit of whimsy to bring everyone together.

8. The Cubicle Castle:

The office cubicle – a blank canvas waiting for your creative touch. Armed with your stolen toilet paper, embark on a journey to create the ultimate cubicle castle. Unleash your architectural prowess as you construct towering turrets, majestic drawbridges, and even a moat (filled with coffee, of course). The best part? As you bask in your newfound office royalty, you can rest easy knowing that your stolen toilet paper played a vital role in your rise to power.

9. I Bid Thee Farewell

It's a bittersweet moment when a colleague decides to leave the office – whether they're moving on to new opportunities or simply escaping the fluorescent maze. But fear not, for you have the perfect parting gift up your sleeve (or in your desk drawer). Introducing the "Farewell Roll" – a tradition that ensures every departing soul leaves the office with something useful.

Imagine the scene: a co-worker stands before the office, their belongings packed and ready for the next chapter. As they bid their farewells, you step forward with a solemn expression, producing a beautifully wrapped roll of toilet paper, bow, and all. The room falls into stunned silence before erupting in laughter. As you hand over the symbolic gift, you explain that it's a token of their time spent navigating office shenanigans and surviving the endless meetings.

The departing colleague might raise an eyebrow, but deep down, they'll understand the significance. After all, isn't toilet paper the unsung hero of office survival? It's been there through thick and thin, offering comfort and solace during the most trying times – much like the friendships and connections formed in the midst of spreadsheets and PowerPoint presentations.

And so, as your co-worker embarks on their new adventure armed with their toilet paper treasure, they'll carry a piece of the office spirit with them. Who knows, they might even start a trend, spreading the joy of the Farewell Roll to other offices and workplaces. And in the end, isn't that what it's all about? Leaving a legacy of laughter, camaraderie, and the shared understanding that sometimes, you just need a roll of toilet paper to get through the day – or a global pandemic.

So there you have it, intrepid office adventurers – the ultimate survival guide for those days when cubicle life becomes a little too stifling. Remember, stealing the toilet paper isn't just a last resort; it's a statement. A reminder that in a world of spreadsheets and water cooler gossip, you still hold the power to inject some much-needed absurdity and fun.

From daring escapades to spontaneous office makeovers, stolen toilet paper has the power to transform the mundane into the extraordinary. Remember, in the world of business casual and never-ending meetings, a little bit of silliness can go a long way.

Here's to the unsung hero of the office – the toilet paper roll that's seen it all – literally. May it continue to bring joy, laughter, and a touch of unexpected whimsy to workplaces everywhere, one farewell roll at a time.

As you embark on this journey back to the realm of staplers and water cooler chatter, may your days be filled with laughter, camaraderie, and just a touch of rebellious bathroom tissue liberation.

Morganne Gervais created CareerspressoⓇ to help people re-enter the workforce after an extended break in employment. She achieves this by teaching them how to create an achievement-based resume, negotiate salary, and ace their interview using 3 unique principles she developed.

She is an expert on the topic of Advancing Women to Leadership, and a highly sought-after consultant specializing in the topics of job searching, career advancement, business building, and developing a winning mindset to succeed in today’s job market. In 2015, she launched her coaching career by conducting an online webinar for the Taylor Michael's Scholarship Program of The Magic Johnson Foundation.

Morganne has over 20 years of experience in Training, Recruiting, and Human Resources, and during recessions has successfully started and now operates four small businesses. The knowledge she has acquired through work, and personal work experiences early in her career is invaluable to both new and seasoned professionals.

Ms. Gervais holds a Bachelor of Arts from San Jose State University and a Master of Arts in Psychology and Organizational Leadership from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology.

You can learn more about maximizing your job search, advancing your career, or starting a business by visiting her YouTube channel. She'll be launching her Build a Business Series in the upcoming weeks so be sure to subscribe!